Resolution 2014: Become an Athlete (and Survive the Zombie Apocalypse)

Every year at New Years the gym is packed with people resolving to get in shape, lose weight, or do their first athletic event.  I am all for new beginnings and making changes, but let me encourage you: don’t just do those things.  Don’t only strive for a weight change or a temporary achievement – become an athlete.  Find a sport – no, find ALL the sports! – that you love and embrace them with all your awkward, gangly, wildly embarrassing passion and abandonment of self-preservation.  Truly, reader, don’t just go to the gym, I IMPLORE you.  This year, seek your inner athlete.  You will have a better chance of surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

There is a lot of lore and superstition circulating in the media these days about the impending Zombie Apocalypse.  One must sift through all of the data and information wisely and carefully when crafting a survival plan.  How many guns will I need?  How much ammunition?  Do I need to stock up on canned goods and non-perishables?  What about medicine?  What type of shelter?  What about fuel?   …What about Guinness?   All of these things are valid concerns and questions, but let’s face it – there’s prepared and there’s prepared.

Statistics from most media presentations currently acclaimed for their accuracy of depicting a post-Zombie Apocalyptic state, show these things to be true of most survivors:

–          They are beautiful

–          They are smart

–          They are athletes

Now, friend, you are reading this blog so you’ve already got “smart” and “beautiful” covered.  In our discussion of athletes and athleticism, I should like to note that it’s a common misconception about athletes that they play sports and compete.  This isn’t always true.  You don’t have to play games or run races or swim across the ocean to be an athlete.  You might find, as you become an athlete, that you CAN do any and/or all of those things, BUT… you don’t HAVE to.  You can just move your body in whatever exercises you want!  Simple!  Easy!  Satisfying!  And your life expectancy goes way, way up!

This is about your survival.  I’m purely concerned about your overall well-being.

So, to help you out I’ve listed a whole bunch of sports you might try that will help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse.  Because it’s easier, I’ve decided that they should be illustrations.

Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil: Afterlife


Everybody thinks about running for their lives when they think of zombies.  So run!  Run for speed or distance, mix it up and keep it fun.  I encourage sprinting. Pretend you look like this when you’re running and you’ll find it easier… especially if you’re a guy.



Swimming is, by far, the most forgiving and best sport for surviving.  Everybody knows that zombies can’t swim.  Oh – the endless possibilities and safety afforded by swimming!!! My plan is to swim to a deserted island and live there.   You don’t have to worry about being faster than the zombie horde in this particular sport.  If you don’t know how to swim, take some time and learn!


Rock Climbing

’nuff said.

The Last Man on Earth (I should like to dedicate this picture to Jim and Jody)


Obviously, you may need to carry things.  Teach your body to be strong!

Shaun of the Dead

Racquetball, Tennis, Curling, Football, Baseball, Softball, Basketball, Shoveling, Chopping Wood, Golf, and of course, Cricket

As you can see from Shaun of the Dead, all of the sports where you have objects are extremely useful as they can be used as weapons.  Play all of them!  Who cares if you’re bad, you’ll learn!  And even if you don’t, at the very least you get to run around… pretending you look like Milla Jovovich.

I Am Legend
Will Smith from I Am Legend


… because you never know when you will have to contort you body into some awkward position to save yourself.

The Walking Dead

Horseback riding and Dogsledding

These sports provide alternative means of transportation as well as bonding with two of the best creatures from the animal kingdom.  Other sports that provide alternative means of transportation include, but are not limited to, biking, kayaking, rowing, skiing and snow-shoeing.  And don’t think for a second that zombies don’t live in the snow… a German documentary titled “Død snø” has not only Zombies but Nazi Zombies.  That’s a whole new fear.

World War Z


Walking is one of the best ways to begin your athleticism and it is always used by Zombie Apocalypse survivors!  You can quickly build up your endurance and you don’t have to join a gym for this one!

There you have it, some sports you might try that will help you, as a person, to enjoy being an athlete and to be better prepared for doomsday.  When you go to the gym or head off to play a game or just to exercise however you do… and it sucks and you hit the wall and you want to die… stop for a second and think.  Think about the Zombie Apocalypse.  Think about how zombies can’t swim.  Think about wielding that bat or club.  Think about surviving, friend.  Surviving.  Decide – in that moment – and persevere.  Overcome.  BECOME!  Become an Athlete.


Every athlete saved is one less zombie I have to hit with my baseball bat.

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