How to Be a Bosch

I have been informed of the probability of an adjoining that will result in an addition to the name and lineage of Bosch.  As this is an important and momentous occasion, and as I have had a few drinks, I feel that it is important to advise and inform the world at large of the tremendous privilege and responsibility that accompanies such an amazing, profound, aesthetic, powerful, strong, appliance-and-spark-plug name.

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Disclaimer: there are, of course, many variations of Bosch… every joining creates a new faction.  The applicable Bosch variation is, in this case, the Bosch-Murphy derivative.  It is important for the reader to note that while many of these characteristics will be carried over into multiple Bosch applications, these specifics are mostly limited to Bosch-Murphy examples and, in the case when broader Bosch examples are employed, only when they were directly experienced by those few and proud members of the Bosch-Murphy clan.

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Some specifics of the Bosch-Murphys.

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Population: 9.

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Language: English, Some German, Mumbling, and Video Game jargon.  Some of the older Bosch-Murphy’s are vying for “Puns” to be made a language, though that is meeting with severe opposition from those who believe in the sanctity of the English language.

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Heritage: The Bosch-Murphys are predominately German.  This means that we have big heads (physically and figuratively).  Our ginormous skulls make it incredibly difficult to wear hats.  However, the bone does make for an incredible buffer between our brains (which are larger than most others, by the way, by a factor of at least 7) and the rest of the world, making it easier to drown out the influences of stupidity in the atmosphere.  This is a good trait.  All of the applicable witty-isms “thick-headed”, “Big head” can be liberally utilized like cream cheese on an everything bagel.  We are mostly shaped like Germans, large-boned, big, hefty, barbarian types.

While the Bosch-Murphys are mostly German, we are Irish, also.  That means that we get very angry, very quickly, for no apparent reason and like to stay that way.  It is a recreational exercise.  This can make for some strange episodes, especially while driving.  If we do not get angry, then we at least feel something, intensely, regularly and for sporadic intervals that can be charted like the moon and tides, though please do not presume the moods to be in coordination with the moon – this is just an analogy.  We are not built like Irish people, though some of us are more wiry than others.  Our Irish nature is mostly demonstrated in passion and in our capacity for hard work.

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Culture:  The Bosch-Murphys have their own unique, time-honored, stately culture which is expressed in a conglomerate of different myriads of ways.  We are a plethora of fanciful feasting, as far as culture is concerned.

First, the Bosch-Murphy’s honor an ancient tradition, passed down from generation to generation.  It is a familial necessity, while simultaneously a social rarety.  It is called Family Dinner Time.  That is when we all sit down around a table at the end of day and consume dinner together.  Conversations of the type which would be considered “small talk” are delightfully employed.  The younger the Bosch, the smaller the talk. (ba ha ha!  I utilized a pun!)  Now that the Bosch-Murphys have spread their sphere of influence into different towns, the Family Dinner Time in which all the family comes together is limited to Sunday afternoon.  People of various ages, races, nationalities, and dispositions are regularly invited to this Family Dinner Time, however, it should be noted that if your disposition is not considered acceptable, you will be asked to sit outside in your vehicle, or the vehicle in which you arrived, until the meal is over.

The Bosch-Murphys practice the art of oral history.  It is considered a trait which will require a perfected technique to tell a story worth its proverbial salt.  Family stories are the means by which we teach lessons, instill beliefs, inspire feelings, and thoroughly, mercilessly embarrass each other.  It is not something to be taken lightly.  It is through oral history that you will learn about the following:

  • “Fishbutt” Bosch
  • “Help Dad, I’m stuck in the toilet!”
  • “But, I don’t want to be a muffin!”
  • Short secularies.
  • Falling on the driveway as a means of coming into existence.
  • “Your what hurts?”
  • “3 yr. old math genius” Bosch
  • “3 yr. old computer genius” Bosch
  • “We’re Bosches; we kill.”
  • How to spell Cynthia
  • “We are the Bosch; resistance is futile.”
  • “Traffic!!  Traffic!!”
  • “For my birthday I got two Wii Games… and broccoli!”
  • Installing the phone in the garage: why texting is not allowed at the dinner table, and how to avoid getting a napkin thrown across the table.
  • Santa Claus does exist, and he does take back presents if you fight on Christmas Day.

… of course, there are many more, too many to list here and they cannot be fully appreciated except through oratory rendition.  You may or may not have to ask to have these stories disseminated to you should you appear on the guest list of Family Dinner.

Food, Education, Recreation, Fashion, etc… are all boring parts of culture for the most part.  We, of course, eat.  We hang out.  Laughter is our favorite exercise.  Clothing should be functional and inexpensive.  Fashion sense is not an inherent trait.  This is due in part to the fact that we are shaped like Germans and our big, lumpy bodies do not conform to a perception associated with the latest fashions.  If fashion sense is to be developed, it will be over a long period of time and with a series of miniscule changes.

Let’s skip to Holidays.  Christmas is a very important holiday, perhaps the most important holiday of the Bosch-Murphy culture.  It is, at least, the most steeped in tradition.  The Christmas tree is not brought into the house until Christmas Eve.  It is then decorated by Santa Claus (who does exist by the way and will take away your presents if you fight on Christmas Day).  His extra responsibility of decorating the tree is probably due in part to the obnoxious amount of children in our family and if they tried to decorate the tree, the house would end up burned to the ground.  Picture Germanic barbarian children attempting to be co-ordinated enough to maneuver about a pine tree with sharp pointy hook pins hanging off of glass balls, whilst electrical lights flash and be-dazzle before their large, sugar high eyeballs and adrenaline-rushed-almost-Christmas-time-excited enthusiasticity.  If disaster had a recipe, it would probably be the sentence I just ended.  So we leave the decorating to the invisible one, who does a much better job.

So before the little ones are shipped off to bed so Mr. Claus can go about his business, we sit around and sing carols and read the Christmas story from the Bible.  Each of us chooses a Christmas carol to sing, which is mostly hilarious when we can’t remember the words – or when only two people remember some of the words and sing different words at the same time until we all join in at the chorus again.  I should like to also note, that it will be great to have more female voices to join in the singing on Christmas Eve – right now, the bass section way over powers everything.  On Christmas morning, the kids MUST all wake up an hour before we are allowed to wake up the parents – part of the fun is the tedious waiting.  We wake them up by, again, singing Christmas Carols.  (Again, the alto/soprano section could use some assistance.)

Christmast breakfast must have Stollen, a German bread/pastry delicious thing.  This is very amazing and tasty.  Captain Crunch is a California Bosch-Murphy tradition that stems from a time when sugary cereals were only permitted on holidays.  Christmas day is about the only time the Bosch-Murphy’s will all drink coffee.

St. Patrick’s Day is becoming more important to the second generation Bosch-Murphy’s.  St. Patrick’s day is a good day to celebrate the Irish influence on the family and the important things that the Irish stand for – hard work, family, passion, determination, and resilience.  Guinness Stew and Irish Soda Bread, some good irish tunes, and people to celebrate with are the basic necessities.  Alcohol can be enjoyed in moderation and with gentle practicality, respect, and propriety.

Birthdays are the individuals holiday, and we celebrate them with gusto.  The Bosch-Murphys leave the happy birthday banner up all year long because the only months that Bosch-Murphys do not have birthdays are July, October and March.  (You do not have to have a birthday in one of these months to marry into the family – but you do get bonus points if you do!)  Presents are good and the manner in which they are packaged before gifting is also important.  We wrap presents for each other in plastic bags that say helpful things like “Thank you”, “Have a Good Day”, “KMart”, and “Walmart”.

I have no desire to go into Music, Sports, or Spiritual Matters at this juncture.  I will, therefore, relate all of that pertinent information telepathically at a later time.  Or perhaps, you, too, will find yourself a guest at Family Dinner Time and can learn by osmosis and observation the powerful and strange way of the Bosch.

Thank you for your time and please send all donations to helpmeI’mBoschlike.org.

2 thoughts on “How to Be a Bosch

  1. Wow. I love this! Though it feels vaguely incestuous, I kinda want to try to be a Bosch-Murphy. I may need to write something on the distantly related Murphy-Ewald hybrid, a fascinating mix of California and Texas culture. 🙂

    • Yes! Write about the Murphy-Ewald culture. I want to know all I can about them! Then, I want to come and evaluate them in their natural habitat.

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